The Utena Movie: More Screwed Than Ever
by lisha2
Summary: The Utena Movie: Warped beyond words...and it was already warped. Many crossovers. Lots of...stuff. Sorry, I suck at summaries..


The Adolecence of Utena: Screwed Royal  
  
Explanivanationtiontion: The Utena movie, only more screwed. Combine that with several well placed crossovers, and you have...this. Read at your own risk, people, this may scar you for life.   
  
Utena and a teenager wearing her hair in a bun with a stark black armani suit and sunglasses are walking up an escalator. Nobody knows why they are doing so, since it is an escalator.  
  
Wakaba: This school only uses the most evolved in technology, and is sound, unlike most schools. If you will notice, many things are moving in this school. It is to keep the students from getting good grades, since they either will always be having motion sickness or staring at the odd moving thingies out the windows. Utena? So, what do you think?  
  
Utena is playing with a game boy advanced-one of the shiny flippy ones.  
  
Utena: What-oh, that's nice.  
  
Wakaba: Tenjou Utena, I'm trying to give you a very intellegent and well concived tour of the school premisis.  
  
Utena: Why are we walking up the escalator?  
  
Wakaba: Efficency, my friend. Lazyness is not tolerable.  
  
Utena: You sound like a robot.  
  
Wakaba: A program, to be more exact. Now, if you'll look to your left, you'll see a very nice sculpture of a cat...  
  
(V.O)  
  
E-Ko: Hey noooooooooooow!  
  
F-Ko: Welcome to the E-ko and F-ko morning show.  
  
E-Ko: First, we have the stocks.  
  
F-Ko: Microsoft is down three-hundred points.  
  
E-ko: That's a good thing.  
  
F-ko: Is it really?  
  
E-ko: I'm not sure. Do I look like I read the Wall Street Journal? I don't have a face.  
  
F-ko: Neither do I. You don't see me complaining.  
  
E-ko: Will the owner of the purpleish-blue Audi with the license reading 'AGENTS' please move your car to the front parking lot?  
  
F-ko: Who the heck drives a purple Audi?  
  
E-ko: Someone, obviously. It must be that stiff, Shinohara Wakaba.  
  
F-ko: Oy, the whole school can hear us.  
  
E-ko: Who cares? Wakaba, you stiff, move your stupid car before someone slashes the tires.  
  
F-ko: Don't do it, E-ko! You can't be seen with no face.  
  
E-ko: That'll scare people away from me.  
  
(End Voice Over)  
  
Utena: Dude, some crazy chick with no face is going to slash the tires on your Audi.  
  
Wakaba: Again?! Hey, that's not going to happen. Stay here and watch those people, they're interesting.  
  
Utena stares at the strange people fencing. There is a girl on a throne there, dressed as a prince.  
  
Utena: This school is friggen' warped...  
  
In a window, she sees her dead boyfriend, Touga.  
  
Utena: What the hell?! I knew this school was warped, but...aw, stuff it.  
  
Utena runs into the building and all over between pillars untill she comes to him.  
  
Touga: Hey.  
  
Utena: What are you doing here?  
  
Touga: Just chillin'.  
  
Utena: Just chillin'? Do you go to school here?  
  
Touga: No, I go to Hogwarts.  
  
Utena: Oh, okay.  
  
Utena looks at the ring on Touga's finger. It has a rose on it and along the band it reads 'The Rose Bling Bling Ring'. Utena looks shocked at the horrible message.  
  
Utena: Touga, did you join some sort of twisted duelists cult run by mostly homosexuals and supporters of incest?  
  
Touga: Maybe. You wanna join?  
  
Utena: I'll think about it.   
  
Touga: Hey, look. It's raining...oha, and you can see the parking lot from here...it looks like some chick in a suit is fighting some funky girl with no face and a knife...you know...we can still go to Mauna Kea if you like.  
  
Utena: I'm not into that stuff anymore.  
  
Touga: Why are you dressed like that?  
  
Utena: Like this? Oh, I want to be a prince when I grow up.  
  
Touga: That's a very popular occupation for girls your age to persue.  
  
Utena: I know. Hey, what the-nevermind. Geez...these are nice roses.   
  
Utena looks at a strange white rose growing.  
  
Utena: Woah...  
  
A ring just like Touga's falls into Utena's hand.  
  
Utena: Wow! A cult ring! I'm blinging now, I am. Check it.  
  
Utena poses with her ring then notices rose petals falling from the sky. She looks up and sees some sort of platform.  
  
Utena: Oooooooooh...I wonder what that thingy is.  
  
Bravely, Utena decides to go to the platform thingy, which it chock full of roses. She stands on the edge of the platform like an idiot.  
  
Anthy: Aren't you a bit scared, standing over there?  
  
Utena turns around to see a freaky looking girl with purple hair and green eyes.  
  
Utena: This garden rocks. You know, I bet you could kick Martha Stuart's ass if you went up against her in a rose competition...that is, if these are yours.  
  
Anthy: Yes, they are mine. My brother, the chairman and head of the International Drugged Incest Support Association lets me use this place.  
  
Utena: That's cool...I guess.  
  
Anthy looks at the ring in Utena's hands, then takes it.  
  
Utena: Hey, that's my Rose Bling Bling Ring!  
  
Anthy: How do you know that name?!  
  
Utena grabs her ring, then a freaky man with green hair named Saionji comes out of nowhere.  
  
Saionji: What are you doing to the Rose Bling Bling Boo?  
  
Utena: Rose Bling Bling Boo?  
  
Saionji: You can't come up here unless...oh, you're a Ghetto Hood Duelist too? That changes everything. Word up, dog.  
  
Utena: What the hell is going on?  
  
Saionji: Nowizzle let's get on with the duelsnizzle.  
  
Utena: THIS SCHOOL IS FRIGGEN' WARPED.  
  
Anthy pins roses on both of the 'Ghetto Hood Duelists'.  
  
Anthy: If either one of you knock the rose clear off of the other, then the fight is over. Are you packin'?  
  
Utena: Packin'? Now I know I should have gone to Clearwater...  
  
Anthy: You need a sword.  
  
Utena: WHY THE HELL WOULD I BRING A FRIGGIN' SWORD TO SCHOOL?!?!  
  
Anthy: Because.  
  
Utena looks to the ground and grabs a broom.  
  
Utena: I'm gonna beat the shit out of everyone in school, because this is all screwed more than a bimbo on new years' eve  
  
Anthy: Just remember, there is no spoon.  
  
Utena turns around and accidentally knocks the rose off of Saionji with her broom.  
  
Saionji: It can't be!!  
  
Anthy: Aww, I didn't get to kiss you and make a sword come out of my chest so your hair could grow...  
  
Utena: What are you talking about?  
  
Anthy: Fishcakes.  
  
Later, Utena is in her dorm, recovering from the day of extreme awfulity. There is a knock at the door.  
  
Utena: What?!  
  
Anthy: It's Anthy, the Rose Bling Bling Boo from the freaky impossible platform on top of the building with all the roses.  
  
Utena: Oh. Come in.  
  
Anthy: Nice dorm...very shagadelic.  
  
Utena: I was going to go to sleep, really. I'm not into sleepovers, you can see Touga about that.  
  
Anthy: Oh, then I'll leave when you're more energetic.  
  
Utena: Stupid, you're not going to leave without enlightening me as to what the hell is going on in this damn screwed-up excuse for a school.  
  
Utena pulls Anthy onto her bed.  
  
Utena: Dude...what the heck is the Bling about?  
  
Anthy: Everything wrong. Everything sick and wrong. Some half-right, but most sick and wrong.... like me.  
  
Utena: What are you all about? Wht do you do?  
  
Anthy: Anything you want me to...nice figure....  
  
Anthy unzips Utena's pants.  
  
Utena: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? GET OFF OF ME!  
  
Anthy leaps off of the bed, and goes through Utena's closet.  
  
Anthy: so many cute outfits!  
  
Utena: Hey, that's Prada!  
  
Anthy: It would look so good on you...  
  
Utena: You are friggin' ill, do you know that? Give me my suit!  
  
Anthy pouts and makes her eyes even bigger.  
  
Anthy: Come on, let's play!  
  
Utena: ARE YOU MENTALLY UNSTABLE?!?!  
  
Anthy begins stripping.  
  
Utena: IDIOT GIRL! I WISH THE GOBLINS WOULD TAKE YOU AWAY RIGHT NOW!!  
  
A white owl flies into Utena's dorm, and transforms into a funky man with eighties hair wearing some sort of S & M outfit.  
  
Utena: Wht the hell...I didn't think that would work.  
  
Anthy: Hello, sir. Would you like to join and make this a threesome?  
  
Utena knocks Anthy out with a lamp and drags her by the hair, giving her to the guy.  
  
Utena: Take it. Take it, and never return it.  
  
King of the Goblins, Jareth: I'm not sure I want to take this without a trade of some sort...it would be of great use to me...  
  
Utena: Well...if you give me the Labyrinth, she's yours.  
  
Jareth: Done.  
  
Jareth and Utena shake on the deal, the Jareth's cell phone rings the tune of 'Put it On Me'. He answers.  
  
Jareth: Hello? What do you mean, someone in a purpleish-blue Audi is altering time for people? It's none of my buisness. Well, why don't you tell Teri to handle it? And what about Sarah? Did you find her yet? You have her right there?! Well, then why don't you transport her here? I need a vacation. Thank you. I'll be sure to tell them that. Yes, yes. Tell them to move that shipment of chickens east. I didn't say anything about that. Okay. Alright. As you wish. Goodbye. Sorry, there was a little mix-up. Do you mind if I stay here for a few weeks? I'm really tired of ruling.  
  
Utena: That's fine with me, as long as you stop that crazy girl from trying to have sex with me.  
  
There is a flash of light then a woman is standing in the middle of the room.  
  
Sarah: Where the hell am I? Oh...you.  
  
Jareth: Yes, me. We're going to spend time together.  
  
Sarah: Oh, hell no.  
  
Utena: Why are you so angry at him?  
  
Sarah: Because he's a selfish bastard with poor fashion sence, that's why.  
  
Meanwhile, in some room, Touga is acting as a psychiatrist.  
  
Touga: Tell me about what is bothering you.  
  
Shiori: Well, sir, many things. There's this girl...  
  
Touga: and...?  
  
Shiori: She has a crush on me. It is sick and wrong.  
  
Touga: Girl, you do not know what sick and wrong is.  
  
Shiori: Oh, and you do.  
  
Touga: I was raped by my adopted father in a cabbage patch. Later, I died.  
  
Shiori: No shit.  
  
Touga: Yes shit. Can I go to sleep now? Your petty problems are making me tired.  
  
Shiori: I want you to kill the girl.  
  
Touga: Go take that wish and stick it in your chamber of secrets.  
  
Shiori: I so hate you.  
  
Much later, Anthy is alone watering her roses. She has a bandage around her head. Sarah has somehow found her way to the platform.  
  
Anthy: Oh, hello there.  
  
Sarah: What are you doing up here this late?  
  
Anthy: I am the Rose Bling Bling Boo. I must keep the plants watered for maximum blingage.  
  
Sarah: Oh. Utena told me about-  
  
Anthy: About what?  
  
Sarah: You know what. That sick little stunt you pulled. She said you being up in her biz is making her man act weird.  
  
Anthy: I'm not up in her biz. I was meerly...being the Rose Bling Bling Boo. Why, does she love him?  
  
Sarah attacks Anthy.  
  
Sarah: What do you think, idiot? Why, if someone was making Jareth-  
  
Anthy: You love him?!  
  
Sarah: Forget I said anything...it was just...no...he...  
  
Anthy: It's alright...tell me all about it...  
  
Sarah lies on the ground and tells Anthy her problems while Anthy strokes her hair and keeps a steady line of Mm-Hmms. Sarah soon falls asleep and Anthy uses some of her knowledge of Sarah's dreams to try and make her happy. She busts a pipe and lets water flow all around the garden. Sarah awakens.  
  
Sarah: Wow...  
  
Anthy: So? Will you dance with me?  
  
Sarah: You are not Jareth.  
  
Anthy: But I am Anthy, and I will do the best I can to make you happy. You may pretend I am him, but I do not know how to lead.  
  
Sarah: I know how.  
  
Anthy: Then you may lead me.  
  
Anthy and Sarah dance on the platform. They seem extremely happy together.  
  
The next day...  
  
Agent Smith over PA: Students, pick your partner wisely and make sure to make your pictures lively...but don't waste too much energy, we want you bright and chipper....  
  
Utena: Hey, Jareth! Jareth!Jaaaaareeeth!  
  
Utena follows Jareth to the top floor, where there is a nice room with a really pretty view.  
  
Jareth: I found this place last night, when everyone is out. It's really dusty, I guess that nobody comes here...I wonder why?  
  
Utena: I was going to ask if you could model for me because Anthy seems to be nowhere and five thousand places. Do you mind?  
  
Jareth: Not at all.  
  
Jareth sits on a couch, looking Regal. Utena sits and begins to draw.  
  
Utena: I like you better.  
  
Jareth: Huh?  
  
Utena: You're not too loud, like everyone else. You're yourself. But not loud. Do you know what I'm saying?  
  
Jareth: I have a slight idea.  
  
Utena: what I'm trying to say is that I think of you as a much more interesting person than Anthy, not only because of her trying to hump me every ten minutes. And I think you're cute.  
  
Jareth: Really?  
  
Utena: How old are you?  
  
Jareth: I don't remember.  
  
Utena: That's alright.  
  
Jareth: How old are you?  
  
Utena: Fourteen. Say, I want to be friends with you. I won't take sides, like--  
  
Jareth: Why don't we switch places? You seem to have trouble concentrating.  
  
Utena: Oh, I'm sorry. That would be fine.  
  
Jareth: Can you strip?  
  
Utena: I'm sorry?  
  
Jareth: I want to draw you nude, please.  
  
Utena: Alright, but don't try anything funny.  
  
Report to Utena posing naked.  
  
Utena: It's cold...  
  
Jareth: I'm almost finished.  
  
Utena: It isn't fair...for just me...to be a model...like this...  
  
Jareth: I guess not...  
  
Jareth stands and begins to undo his shirt.  
  
Utena: No! You don't need to strip too...let's just forget about this.  
  
Jareth: Hey...that kind of looks like Sarah in those pictures.  
  
Utena: Yhea, it kind of does...and that's Anthy over there. I wonder if there are two rose brides.  
  
Jareth: I wouldn't be suprised.  
  
E-ko: Tabloid time!  
  
F-ko: Yes, that's right.  
  
E-ko: I've found a video that'll rival even the R.Kelly tapes on Kaaza!  
  
F-ko: Oh, really?  
  
E-Ko: P really! Check it, this is something you won't find anywhere else.  
  
F-ko: Is it hardcore?  
  
E-ko: What do you think?  
  
F-ko: Well, pop it in! I think everyone will be pleased. No other school shows pornography to its students!  
  
E-ko: Look, it's that silver haired guy with the Lambroghini, Akio.  
  
F-ko: Akio? You slashed his tires.  
  
E-ko: Yes. But that's not his problem. Because you see, his car has no key. The stupid bastard lost it and was too dumb to call a locksmith.  
  
F-ko: Ah, yes. I thought you said this was hardcore? The man is just jumping over cars. Oh? What is this? Ah, Akio's little sister, Anthy. They are very close. What do they have to do with anything?  
  
E-ko: You just watch and see.  
  
two tablets are being plopped into a glass, which Akio gives to Anthy.  
  
F-ko: Drugged incest? I'm really not that suprised. The guy is a member of the International Drugged Incest Support Association.  
  
E-ko: Oh, this is very hardcore...oh my gosh...what's he going to do with that summer sausage--  
  
F-ko: Oh, E-ko, turn it off! He's fisting her with the sausage in there too!  
  
E-ko: Disgusting!  
  
F-ko: Wait...no! No! Shut it off!  
  
Utena: This place is screwed. I need to get out of here.  
  
Jareth: I think we could...a school is not my ideal setting for a vacation.  
  
Sarah and Anthy run up to the pair. They are holding hands.  
  
Anthy: Hello.  
  
Utena: Hi. What's up?  
  
Anthy: Nothing...except for the fact that Jury wants to kill you.  
  
Utena: What?  
  
Anthy: With me, you can get away from the school.  
  
Utena: That is a good idea.  
  
Jareth: Let's run for it before she comes here and tries to kill you.  
  
Utena: Lets.  
  
Sarah: But she said you were a poser.  
  
Utena: What?!  
  
Sarah: She said that just because you wear the garb of a prince doesn't mean you are one.  
  
Utena: This sucks royal. I'm gonna kick her skinny little blonde ass from here to Jareth's kingdom.  
  
Anthy: She isn't very slim.  
  
Utena: Who cares? She's still going to get whipped.  
  
Jury runs up.  
  
Jury: I'm calling you out, Utena! I'm here to kick your sorry little poser ass, and there's nothing you can do about it!  
  
Utena: Same to you!  
  
Anthy again gives out the roses, and hands Utena a stick. the two girls run at each other than everything goes into bullet time. Utena hits Jury's rose off with one blow, then everything is normal again.  
  
Jury: What the hell happened? You were moving like Wakaba!  
  
Utena: I don't know either, but I gotta go. See ya! Come on, guys. What the...  
  
C-ko: Somebody killed Akio! He fell from the thingy!  
  
E-ko: Holy shit!  
  
F-ko: He had it coming to him.  
  
E-ko: Yhea, but it's kind of sad. I wonder what's going to happen to that car of his?  
  
F-ko: I'm going to steal it and call a damn locksmith to come and make a new key. It's not healthy to let a good car go to waste.  
  
E-ko: I agree.  
  
*Woo, flashback...*  
  
Akio: You were awake?! How did you not scream?  
  
Anthy: Don't worry...you're my prince, you can do whatever you want...  
  
Akio: Dude, this is not right!  
  
*exit flashback*  
  
Utena: Let's go in here.  
  
They come upon a pink door.  
  
*Return to flashback*  
  
Akio: Where's the key?!  
  
Anthy: What key?  
  
Akio: The key to the car!!  
  
Anthy: Somewhere, I guess.  
  
Akio: Stupid girl!  
  
*exit flashback*  
  
Everyone crowds into the room, which turns out to be an elevator.  
  
Touga: Hey, U.  
  
Utena: Touga! Hey, you wanna come with us?  
  
Touga: I can't, Utena. I'm dead. but I will love you forever.  
  
Utena: Me too. Hey, can you make sure that uncle Larry feeds Kitty? I won't be coming for a long time.  
  
Touga: No prob.  
  
Touga fades away, and everyone looks bewildered.  
  
Anthy: That wasn't normal.  
  
The elevator stops, and everyone gets out. They are at Anthy's thingy. A giant brushy thing is whirling on it.  
  
Utena: What.The.Hell.Is.That.  
  
Agent Smith is standing next to it with Wakaba. they look content.  
  
Agent Smith: Hello, Utena.  
  
Wakaba: We've been waiting for you.  
  
They run at her and fling her into the brushy thing. Jareth and Anthy look shocked.  
  
Both: What did you do that for?  
  
Agent Smith: You need a car to get out of this place.  
  
Wakaba:Utena would make a perfect one.  
  
Agent Smith: How do you feel about a bright pink Cadillac sixteen?  
  
Utena rolls out of the brushy thing. her speakers are pounding Fifty Cent's 'In Da Club'.  
  
  
  
Sarah: Sweet.   
  
Everyone jumps into the car, including Agent Smith and Wakaba. Agent Smith is at the wheel.  
  
Anthy: Won't we get pulled over for overpacking?  
  
Wakaba: No. This is not real. It is all part...of the matrix.  
  
Jareth: what is the matrix? What is real?  
  
Wakaba:What is real. How do you define real? If you're talking about what you can feel, what you can smell, what you can taste and see, then real is simply electrical signals interpreted by your brain. This is the world that you know. The world as it was at the end of the twentieth century. It exists now only as part of a neural-interactive simulation that we call the Matrix. You've been living in a dream world, everyone.   
  
Sarah: I'm cool with that.  
  
Anthy: Me too.  
  
Jareth: I really don't care.  
  
Agent Smith: then I won't kill you. Come! We have a long road ahead of us.  
  
They begin Driving and all of a sudden they are on a road. I do not know how that got there.  
  
E-ko: Hey everybody! Are you up for some illegal street-racing?  
  
F-ko: I sure am!  
  
Shadow girls: We are, because we LOVE cars!  
  
F-ko: It seems as if there is no shock to the group after learning that their world is not real.  
  
E-ko: As long as you have a cool car, everything is fine.  
  
F-ko: Agent Smith is quite the driver.  
  
E-ko: I want to make love to him.  
  
F-ko: You have no face! You'd probably scare him away.  
  
E-ko: You have to ruin everything for me, don't you?  
  
F-ko: Of course! In fact, I'm giving you up and going to go on Tom Green's show.  
  
E-ko: You dirty two-timing bastard!  
  
F-ko: Screw you!  
  
Agent Smith: Beyond here is our outside world.  
  
Wakaba: The programs world.  
  
Agent Smith: We call it middle earth...there, I am the elven lord Elrond.  
  
Anthy: Cool.  
  
Jareth: It seems as if Utena is getting exauhsted.  
  
Agent Smith: You're right.  
  
Agent Smith slams his fist on the dashboard and Utena goes really fast. All of a sudden, tons of black DeLoreans are chasing them.  
  
E-Ko: I no longer have my partner. But, I can tell you that DeLoreans disgust me. That is why I have taken the responsibility of killing myself.  
  
E-ko slits her throat and dies.  
  
Sarah: Ewwww! DeLoreans!  
  
Anthy: That's just sick and wrong.  
  
The car is suddenly underneath a giant castle-car-thingy.  
  
Jareth: This is just getting more bazzar and more bazzar.  
  
Sarah: Oy, I'm real tired.  
  
Anthy: Here, lean on me.  
  
Agent Smith: I see it!  
  
Wakaba: Everyone, hold on!  
  
Anthy: WOW!  
  
Sarah: Amazing...  
  
Jareth: This is the vacation spot....  
  
There is a bright flash, then everyone is standing in Rivendel  
  
  
  
Utena: That was the shit.  
  
Jareth: Are you alright?  
  
Utena: Yhea. I don't think I'll ever get over the rush of being a car.  
  
Elrond: Now is the time for rest.  
  
Anthy: So...this is the outside world.  
  
Sarah: I think I'll like it here...with you.  
  
Anthy and Sarah smile sweetly at each other.  
  
Jareth: so, Utena...do you want to model for me again sometime?  
  
Utena: Sure.  
  
Jareth: that will be nice.  
  
Utena: I think that all the screwed stuff was worth it. It's nice here.  
  
Jareth: Well, I'm glad you're happy.  
  
Utena: Me too.  
  
End  
  
AN: The movie made hardly any sense to me. I just left in the front and center characters and added some others. I'm real tired now, I did this all in one go. Thank you, The neko from nowhere. 


End file.
